I come to you on this Friday in February with a change of heart….a new attitude….a new perspective….well at least an attempt to have an attitude and perspective adjustment.
Wednesday marked what I consider the true beginning of my new journey. I submitted my first application. For the last 7 months I have labored and stressed over what I was going to do….where was I going to apply….was I really cut out for the life of a counselor….could I score well enough on the GRE to make it happen? Well my friends, let me say…despite the hours I put in to studying for the GRE I still choked…okay…well I missed the Quant score I wanted by 1 point. But somehow scored the highest on the writing. Go figure. Point is, I was stressed and questioning everything.
Then after the GRE was over, I had a change or perspective and I felt this peace. No matter what happens, where I go, what I end up doing, I have done it all on my own, with minimal guidance and advice. I have chosen this and have decided to do this on my own. No me listening to outside opinions and deciding others know me better than I know me; just me, listening to my heart and gut and following my instinct. I can’t tell you how freeing it feels to sit in this and know that no matter what happens, I made this choice. I made these decisions. I am fully responsible for them and even if it turns out negatively or not how I want or think it will, it doesn’t matter because I made it happen for me. I did not like something anymore and I, ME, Katie, made a change and did what needed to be done to make it happen. It truly is one of the happiest moments of my life and for once I feel extremely proud of myself. I don’t write this with any intent to brag but to celebrate how far I’ve come and to remind myself later on how far I’ve come.
For a very long time, most of my life actually, I have intentionally and unintentionally placed a lot of blame on others for many a reason. I blamed others for choices and decisions I made because I listened to them. I lost my decision making power and believed others knew me better and knew what was better for me than I did and instead of owning my choices, I blamed them for “making choices” for me I ended up not liking. AND THEN I blamed others for how I felt because they made me feel that way through their words and actions. Well, yes they may have influenced how I felt but it wasn’t their one and only job to make me feel good or bad. I claimed to have a lot of self-awareness and I believe I do, but I also believe I did NOT have self-awareness in this area. I put too much responsibility and expectations on the people in my life to make me happy by deciding and making choices for my life instead of doing that myself. And I know in my deepest heart I pushed a lot of people away by doing that.
Last year, 2017, was a year of so much transformation and perspective change for me and while I did a lot of good work, there’s much to be done. And this area? This one is major. It’s my job to make me happy. And I finally see that now. Yes, we can listen and give clout to some in our lives but everything I decide is up to ME and not one other damn person on this planet. And THAT is now not overwhelming to me, it’s incredibly freeing. How awesome that I get to make choices for my own life?! HA.
And to piggy back the above thoughts…I honestly am not sure the last time I felt happy…probably when I was a little kid. But I can honestly say that today, I feel happy. Really realizing how much responsibility I have in making myself happy and being able to choose whatever path and direction I want to go has allowed me to release so much of the hurt I’ve carried around for a very long time. Yes, that hurt and pain was real and it was there but it has made me stronger and I can’t be upset about that. And….it’s in the past….I’m not reliving it today. I have to actively think about it to make it hurt and I don’t want to do that anymore. Living in and with hurt is easier I think than giving it up and letting it go. Fixating on those who wronged you and actively reliving those terrible moments and times is never going to give you peace. I KNOW it did not give me peace. But part of me liked living with the pain, it felt good to feel something even if it was negative. I would rather feel SOMETHING rather than nothing. And feeling something negative, well, I think that caused all this blame and expectations and not giving myself the chance to be happy.
while this particular post does not have a terribly smooth flow, it’s ok. It’s the start of something new….owning choices, owning my own way, owning my happiness.
thanks to all who follow & read & have been there for me. means more than you know.
all my love….