hope

I wrote this blog post before I read the most recent one I wrote and it was all about how much I wanted this year to be over and here, on this final day of 2018, I still feel that way. However, I am trying my hardest to find the bright spots…the positives in this year…because I could not have survived another year without SOMETHING good happening. I just may have to look a little harder this year.

As 2018 comes to an end, I must admit I’m incredibly grateful for this year to be over. I won’t lie, it has been one of the hardest years I’ve experienced in a really long time. I won’t rehash it all because…well…most people know what has happened. This year has tried my trust, my patience, and my own struggle with depression. This year has pushed me to limits and to places I did not know I could survive. I feel like I cried more than I have ever before…felt like I may give up and give into the darkness. Simply put, it was hard. A lot of it was dark and hard.

I also feel like I relied on my faith and my relationship with God more this year than I have before. I would not have survived everything that happened, good and bad, without God. If nothing else, this year has strengthened my faith…in happy and sad times, in light and dark times, in EVERYTHING, God was there. God was there, holding my hand, carrying me through it all. And while I need to always give credit to God, I am giving Him all the credit for me surviving this year. Surviving Di’s death, my Mom’s breast cancer, grad school declines and acceptances, moving 1800 miles from home, starting my life over….He gets the credit because he had a hand in it all and in the bad, he was right there with me. God saved me this year and I’m thankful because I feel that I have more to do and give this world. This year became about survival and starting over and next year? Next year is about hope. Hope that I can continue on this path God has set before me…to make Him proud…to show Him that I can and will show His love to everyone I come in contact with. That I can be happy, that I will be happy. That with everything that has happened in my life, things I can control & things I can’t…that I can rise above them and try to be my best self, my happiest self, showing God’s love to everyone. 2019 is about hope and I am going to hold onto the hope that even if 2019 goes like 2018 has, God will be right there with me, every step of the way.

Normally, I have goals for myself for the new year and for 2019, I really don’t. I want to continue to trust and put my hope in God. Trust in His love and have hope in His plan for me. As cheesy and cliché as it may sound, that is the absolutely ONLY way I will continue to find the light in the midst of all the darkness.

So am I glad this year is over? Yes, I am. I found some good though…I found my faith and my strength and that even when the darkness became almost too much, I found hope and that is what will carry me on into this new year.

Cheers to 2019 and all that is to come…

two months in, two months away.

I have been wanting to blog for quite a while but haven’t had the opportunity to sit down and really write. Last time I wrote, life was upside down and I didn’t know what direction I was going or what way was up. I know life is life and bad things happen, it’s natural and well, it’s just life. Nothing I can do to change or control that. It doesn’t make life things any less tough. And as life does, it kept going, and kept us on our toes.

In May….after I sold my house & while I began packing up my house and life to move to Bozeman for my new adventure…our family got some more unexpected and tough news. My mom was diagnosed with stage one breast cancer. CANCER. AGAIN. BREAST CANCER, AGAIN. We had literally just lost Di a few weeks before we learned about my mom. Yes, it’s stage one. Yes, she caught it VERY early. But it’s still cancer and it’s still very scary…especially when we just lost Di to it, my mom’s sister no less.

I was shocked and terrified when she told me and immediately thought better of moving…even though it was all under way. I couldn’t imagine leaving her and my dad here to deal with it all without supporting them. It felt extremely selfish to me. I was her kid and I needed to be here for her….to support her….and let her know she wasn’t alone. The idea of potentially losing my mom, my person, right after losing such a hugely important person in my life, Di, was absolutely terrifying to me….and still is.

I felt like God was really putting our faith to the test this year. In my life, school was a HUGE unknown for the early part of 2018, then we lost Di suddenly, and now my mom has to fight breast cancer. I struggled if I could stay strong through all life was throwing at me but I made a decision to anchor myself in my faith. I knew that I would ONLY make it through the move, changing my career, and not get so bogged down with worry about my mom by putting my faith and trust in God. I could only control what I could and that is my response to all the change at my feet. I chose to move, to start a new path, and I had to choose to trust God in those choices and those things I had no say in, like my mom now having to fight breast cancer.

Fast forward some time….my mom & dad helped me move to Bozeman (which I absolutely love by the way…more on that later) and I’m SO thankful they were able to come and help me. I think it was good for all of us honestly…helped take our minds off everything my mom was going to face. When she got home, she began her treatment process. She had surgery on August 13^th and while it was deemed successful…all cancer gone…it did move to one lymph node and was about 4 times bigger than originally believed on the ultrasound. And that is where we are at right now. We don’t know what will come next…originally it was just going to be radiation but now we have heard it may be a form of chemo too. It shocked all of us it was that big and that it was in a lymph node…but because my mom’s faith is so strong and well my mom is so strong, we know it will be ok. She will be OK because God will make sure of it (not putting words in his mouth or his promises of course, just my ideas 🙂 )

I have told a few people that God and I have made a deal. I know I’m probably not supposed to be making deals with God but I like to think he smiles down on me and obliges my need to make deals every now and again. To be completely honest, 2018 has really sucked. Parts have been incredibly fantastic and amazing and I try really hard to hold onto those but so much of this year has sucked. And in being even more honest, I can’t imagine losing my mom. Yes, I do know one day it will happen, but I’m not ready for that yet. She is my person. She helps me see the good in these terrible situations that we have dealt with this year and in times passed. She holds our family together. She supports me in all my crazy dreams…like changing my career and moving to Montana. She has shown me how to be strong in life’s tough times. I can only hope to be half as strong as she is. I wouldn’t survive this life without her and so I have made a deal with God that I’m not ready for her to leave us yet and I like to think He knows this already. I like to believe that He smiles kindly on my poor worried heart and reminds me His plan is awesome and no matter what happens, He’s got this. He’s got us. He’s got me. And He’s going to make sure we’re all ok.

Without being terribly preachy, I have to share that without my faith, I would be in some hole in the fetal position with everything that’s happened this year. I hate change (ironic) but He has made me strong. He made my mom so incredibly strong and I’m finally seeing and experiencing that for myself. I know without a doubt, I wouldn’t be where I am or who I am in this moment without my faith and my belief in God. I can pick specific moments where I can see how He worked in and through others to make life OK for me and for our family. And so I know He will continue to do that for my mom and all of us.

I also want to take a moment and say that my mom gave me permission to write about this. It’s something I have been wanting to do for a while but putting it into words made it so real and I wasn’t quite sure I was ready to deal with it all yet. Another EXTREMELY important piece of this is self-care. My mom is the one who found her lump….the mammogram she had a month earlier didn’t even detect it…she found it and started having it monitored right away. Unfortunately that was in February and she wasn’t diagnosed until May, but that is another story for another day. The important point is that she was doing her monthly self-check and felt it and if she hadn’t, who knows when it would have shown up and how far it may have progressed by then. It’s an extremely important lesson for me and for anyone who reads this. Don’t wait…be an advocate for yourself and your health…you know your body best…and while I did my own self-exams often, I have done it regularly twice a month…just for good measure. Also, if you know my mom, she is reminding me 🙂

I write all this to share her story…our story…my story. We believe it’s important to share our stories and experiences because they may help someone else out there reading this in ways we don’t know.

I want to thank our family and friends who have reached out, sent their prayers & well wishes, and who have been such a strong support system for us always and especially in 2018. I know my mom appreciates it and I do as well…more than we can say. God blessed us with some great people in our lives and we love you all so much.

All my love…
K

trust.

Trust. Trust. Trust. Trust.

Trust in myself? No. Trust in others? Not really. Trust in God? That’s the one!

As cliche as it may sound, when I say trust over and over again it gives me peace. I can breathe again. And I have decided that the only way I’m making it through all the change is to trust in God. This year has really been anything but easy for me and yet, I’m still here and that is ONLY because of God. ONLY because of Him. And so I will simply trust.

Some may wonder why I’m jetting off to Montana of all places? Am I running away from something here? Am I running to something there? I have come to fully realize and believe with my own eyes, running away from something or running to the next big thing does not solve things and it does not bring happiness. It simply does not and I have experienced how it does not. I ran away to college….that didn’t fix things…ran back home…that didn’t bring the happiness I was looking for either. So while a few months ago, I thought I was running away again, I looked deep down and saw I’m not running away or running to the next big thing this time. So what am I doing you may wonder? Well I’m more than happy to share that with you.

A little background…over the last couple of years, I have tried to live by “be where your feet are”. Being present in the moment, not constantly on my phone scrolling through my insta feeds or facebook newsfeed (even though I’m totally guilty of that still…I said “have tried”)…but for big moments or moments with those I cherish most, I have tried to be right where I am, just as I am. And I have found tremendous peace with trying to approach life that way. I have ALWAYS struggled with being too excited about the next big thing or doing something exciting and fun to forget something bad that happened. Always forgetting the present moment. And after all, the present is all we ever have. So when I ran away to North Carolina for college and ran back home, I wasn’t being AS present in those places and times in my life. I was wishing my life away or too stuck in the past.

I have always wanted to keep this being where I am at the forefront as I move on to my next adventure. However, I thought I was running away from different things here and going to Montana would save me. I believed it would fix things I’ve done wrong and give me this happiness I’ve been desperately trying to find in my adult life. And as I was listening to my favorite chapter of Uninvited, I heard God loud and clear. Going to Montana was not going to save me or be the miracle fix I was looking for. I have to be willing to change how I think and see things. I have to get rid of these old patterns of thinking and beliefs and if I change that? THAT has the potential to change things for me. Looking to God. Trusting God. THAT will fix things. That will give me the space to find who I really am and what I’m really made of. And those things? That’s what I want. To find who I really am and learning to love and be happy with who I am. I don’t expect the state of Montana, the graduate school program, or even the new career to fill a void, bring me happiness, or fix what I’ve left behind. No. I don’t want those things to bring me happiness, I want ME to bring me happiness. I want to know God, know Him deeply, and TRUST that NO MATTER WHAT life throws my way…good or bad…that He is going to take care of me and use me for His purpose for my life and those I have the opportunity to meet and hopefully touch. It just so happens, I’m picking a different state to do that in. So now you know.

I am looking forward to what is to come but that is up to God. I trust Him with everything I am and so while there is fear and trepidation, I trust He has it under control. I know who I want to be and how I want to be that and I can only trust He will give me opportunities to make that happen.

Trust. Trust. Trust. Trust.

 

a farewell

I like the beginnings and ends of events/circumstances/relationships/etc because it gives me the opportunity to reflect on what happened and start the next step fresh and with a clean slate. and today marks the end of what I planned my whole life around.

as I reflect on my almost 4 years working at Assembly Solutions (my parents’ company, what I thought I would be doing for the rest of my life) it has it’s good and not so good memories. Bottom line, I wanted to make this a better place to be. I wanted to make things better, more efficient, better for everyone who worked here, that is what I wanted my “legacy” to be one day far down the road. I’m smart, both book & people smart, I like to think I have a knack like my dad does…not near as developed as him…but a knack that could grow and flourish. And I wanted to use that smartness to work with everyone here and make Assembly Solutions as good if not better than my parents had. I wanted to make my mom and dad proud that they started this business almost 40 years ago (well the first one anyways) and that with all the ups and downs it’s had, that I could stay and make it better and more successful. It wasn’t about how much money it could make…for me, it was about the relationships I would form and the lives I could change by making the work place good for those who came here every day because they played one of the biggest roles in the success. It ALWAYS remained my intent..no matter what anyone would say or argue with me…that was my intention.

But reality? Reality was different. I had an attitude. I was rude and short and disrespectful and insubordinate. People thought I knew better than everyone else. I was never trying to think I knew better than everyone or anyone else because I know I didn’t know better. I was providing ideas & suggestions from what I observed. The end. And why did I provide that? Because I wanted to make this place better for those who worked here. AND I was trying to survive my own job which was incredibly overwhelming. I take responsibility for when I was incredibly stressed out and took it out on other people and I know I did not handle those situations right all the time, but I also don’t feel like anyone gave me grace in what I had to do. I had a big job to do and a HUGE learning curve to learn with little to no guidance. And I was expected to be better and more put together than everyone else and why? Because of my last name.

Being the owner’s daughter came with a huge burden for my personal identity. I could never just be Katie and prove what I could do or even what I did do, it didn’t matter. I could and would never be Katie. I would always be Katie Franklin, the owner’s daughter. And never being able to be just Katie, well that boxed me into a corner and I felt trapped. Over a year ago, I knew I would never be able to get out of the corner or trap. I would be stuck there for a very long time, maybe forever, and that feeling, that was suffocating. I didn’t expect or demand respect but I thought the work I had done and the way I was able to do my job would help me earn respect, but I knew that no one’s opinions of me would ever change. I would still always be the spoiled and entitled daughter, which while I may be spoiled, I always made sure to do my job and put the company. But all I ever wanted was to just. be. Katie. And being JUST Katie, she wanted to make a difference.

I never dreamed in my 28 years that I would one day, soon, leave Assembly Solutions. The company my parent’s built. I expected and believed I would be here forever. I would run this company and grow it even more than my mom and dad did. I wanted to make them proud. I LOVE sharing what they do and what they have done because my grandparents also built something together and so this business feels like it’s in my blood. It is incredibly hard for me to walk away from here even though I know it is what is best for my mental and emotional health. My heart is still in this place, I think it always will be. And you wonder why? Because my parents built this. They spent so much of their lives AND during my childhood trying to build something that would sustain and that allowed me to have the life I have lived so far. I am so proud of them and I am so proud that I had the opportunity to work here and I wish it worked out differently than it has. I do. I wish SO badly it was different. But it is not different and this is reality.

so today as I leave and know that everything I worked for and did up until this point, well, it is over. And I am sad about it, I feel like I have been mourning for a week. It is not easy for me to give this up knowing it is what I worked toward my whole life. But what keeps me feeling at peace is that I am heading on a totally new path. I’m kind of scared, but excited scared. I’m choosing my own future for myself and no one else is even slightly a factor in this decision. I’ve grown tremendously in the 4 years I’ve worked and lived here. Grown SO much and I believe I know who I am and what I’m made of and for that I’m forever grateful. And I believe that I will take what I learned about myself here and use that for good in my next path. God led me to this moment and so no matter what, I have to trust that He’s got all this covered and I’m going to be just fine. He wouldn’t bring me to this if I couldn’t handle it. It’s time & no matter how far away I go, I’m grateful. Always.