trust.

Trust. Trust. Trust. Trust.

Trust in myself? No. Trust in others? Not really. Trust in God? That’s the one!

As cliche as it may sound, when I say trust over and over again it gives me peace. I can breathe again. And I have decided that the only way I’m making it through all the change is to trust in God. This year has really been anything but easy for me and yet, I’m still here and that is ONLY because of God. ONLY because of Him. And so I will simply trust.

Some may wonder why I’m jetting off to Montana of all places? Am I running away from something here? Am I running to something there? I have come to fully realize and believe with my own eyes, running away from something or running to the next big thing does not solve things and it does not bring happiness. It simply does not and I have experienced how it does not. I ran away to college….that didn’t fix things…ran back home…that didn’t bring the happiness I was looking for either. So while a few months ago, I thought I was running away again, I looked deep down and saw I’m not running away or running to the next big thing this time. So what am I doing you may wonder? Well I’m more than happy to share that with you.

A little background…over the last couple of years, I have tried to live by “be where your feet are”. Being present in the moment, not constantly on my phone scrolling through my insta feeds or facebook newsfeed (even though I’m totally guilty of that still…I said “have tried”)…but for big moments or moments with those I cherish most, I have tried to be right where I am, just as I am. And I have found tremendous peace with trying to approach life that way. I have ALWAYS struggled with being too excited about the next big thing or doing something exciting and fun to forget something bad that happened. Always forgetting the present moment. And after all, the present is all we ever have. So when I ran away to North Carolina for college and ran back home, I wasn’t being AS present in those places and times in my life. I was wishing my life away or too stuck in the past.

I have always wanted to keep this being where I am at the forefront as I move on to my next adventure. However, I thought I was running away from different things here and going to Montana would save me. I believed it would fix things I’ve done wrong and give me this happiness I’ve been desperately trying to find in my adult life. And as I was listening to my favorite chapter of Uninvited, I heard God loud and clear. Going to Montana was not going to save me or be the miracle fix I was looking for. I have to be willing to change how I think and see things. I have to get rid of these old patterns of thinking and beliefs and if I change that? THAT has the potential to change things for me. Looking to God. Trusting God. THAT will fix things. That will give me the space to find who I really am and what I’m really made of. And those things? That’s what I want. To find who I really am and learning to love and be happy with who I am. I don’t expect the state of Montana, the graduate school program, or even the new career to fill a void, bring me happiness, or fix what I’ve left behind. No. I don’t want those things to bring me happiness, I want ME to bring me happiness. I want to know God, know Him deeply, and TRUST that NO MATTER WHAT life throws my way…good or bad…that He is going to take care of me and use me for His purpose for my life and those I have the opportunity to meet and hopefully touch. It just so happens, I’m picking a different state to do that in. So now you know.

I am looking forward to what is to come but that is up to God. I trust Him with everything I am and so while there is fear and trepidation, I trust He has it under control. I know who I want to be and how I want to be that and I can only trust He will give me opportunities to make that happen.

Trust. Trust. Trust. Trust.

 

Advertisements

a farewell

I like the beginnings and ends of events/circumstances/relationships/etc because it gives me the opportunity to reflect on what happened and start the next step fresh and with a clean slate. and today marks the end of what I planned my whole life around.

as I reflect on my almost 4 years working at Assembly Solutions (my parents’ company, what I thought I would be doing for the rest of my life) it has it’s good and not so good memories. Bottom line, I wanted to make this a better place to be. I wanted to make things better, more efficient, better for everyone who worked here, that is what I wanted my “legacy” to be one day far down the road. I’m smart, both book & people smart, I like to think I have a knack like my dad does…not near as developed as him…but a knack that could grow and flourish. And I wanted to use that smartness to work with everyone here and make Assembly Solutions as good if not better than my parents had. I wanted to make my mom and dad proud that they started this business almost 40 years ago (well the first one anyways) and that with all the ups and downs it’s had, that I could stay and make it better and more successful. It wasn’t about how much money it could make…for me, it was about the relationships I would form and the lives I could change by making the work place good for those who came here every day because they played one of the biggest roles in the success. It ALWAYS remained my intent..no matter what anyone would say or argue with me…that was my intention.

But reality? Reality was different. I had an attitude. I was rude and short and disrespectful and insubordinate. People thought I knew better than everyone else. I was never trying to think I knew better than everyone or anyone else because I know I didn’t know better. I was providing ideas & suggestions from what I observed. The end. And why did I provide that? Because I wanted to make this place better for those who worked here. AND I was trying to survive my own job which was incredibly overwhelming. I take responsibility for when I was incredibly stressed out and took it out on other people and I know I did not handle those situations right all the time, but I also don’t feel like anyone gave me grace in what I had to do. I had a big job to do and a HUGE learning curve to learn with little to no guidance. And I was expected to be better and more put together than everyone else and why? Because of my last name.

Being the owner’s daughter came with a huge burden for my personal identity. I could never just be Katie and prove what I could do or even what I did do, it didn’t matter. I could and would never be Katie. I would always be Katie Franklin, the owner’s daughter. And never being able to be just Katie, well that boxed me into a corner and I felt trapped. Over a year ago, I knew I would never be able to get out of the corner or trap. I would be stuck there for a very long time, maybe forever, and that feeling, that was suffocating. I didn’t expect or demand respect but I thought the work I had done and the way I was able to do my job would help me earn respect, but I knew that no one’s opinions of me would ever change. I would still always be the spoiled and entitled daughter, which while I may be spoiled, I always made sure to do my job and put the company. But all I ever wanted was to just. be. Katie. And being JUST Katie, she wanted to make a difference.

I never dreamed in my 28 years that I would one day, soon, leave Assembly Solutions. The company my parent’s built. I expected and believed I would be here forever. I would run this company and grow it even more than my mom and dad did. I wanted to make them proud. I LOVE sharing what they do and what they have done because my grandparents also built something together and so this business feels like it’s in my blood. It is incredibly hard for me to walk away from here even though I know it is what is best for my mental and emotional health. My heart is still in this place, I think it always will be. And you wonder why? Because my parents built this. They spent so much of their lives AND during my childhood trying to build something that would sustain and that allowed me to have the life I have lived so far. I am so proud of them and I am so proud that I had the opportunity to work here and I wish it worked out differently than it has. I do. I wish SO badly it was different. But it is not different and this is reality.

so today as I leave and know that everything I worked for and did up until this point, well, it is over. And I am sad about it, I feel like I have been mourning for a week. It is not easy for me to give this up knowing it is what I worked toward my whole life. But what keeps me feeling at peace is that I am heading on a totally new path. I’m kind of scared, but excited scared. I’m choosing my own future for myself and no one else is even slightly a factor in this decision. I’ve grown tremendously in the 4 years I’ve worked and lived here. Grown SO much and I believe I know who I am and what I’m made of and for that I’m forever grateful. And I believe that I will take what I learned about myself here and use that for good in my next path. God led me to this moment and so no matter what, I have to trust that He’s got all this covered and I’m going to be just fine. He wouldn’t bring me to this if I couldn’t handle it. It’s time & no matter how far away I go, I’m grateful. Always.