I love to blog. I love being able to express myself through words. I am much more eloquent with words than I am when I speak them. I get tongue tied because I want to make sure my points come across clearly. And in writing I can erase if I don't like how something is written.
I have been rather reflective this week on many things about myself….how I come across, how I define myself, how I box myself in by the words I use. I never thought about it before but the very definitive words I write and speak have done me a disservice my whole life. I speak in concrete and definition, nothing open for possibilities or what could be or hope….only definition and most likely negative definition.
FAIL. ALWAYS. I AM. I KNOW. I CAN'T. DISAPPOINTMENT.
May sound extreme but those are my most used phrases…real helpful huh?? The words I choose to use to others and the words I choose to speak to myself have created this terrible self worth and demeaning view! It finally hit me this week, I am causing all of this. I am terribly self aware except with the words I use. The words I've chosen to use have limited by ability in so many areas- relationships, goals, dreams, promises made and broken, my own self worth and value– all because I am choosing that. I am believing the words I'm saying and instead of defining myself from the core values and attributes, I'm valuing myself on words used. Words that aren't even true, if I really and honestly evaluate it. I'm choosing to be the victim and being a victim of the victim. It's easier to be the victim….and there have been times I probably HAVE been the victim but feeling sorry for myself does not help me. It forces me into this tiny bubble of shutting others out, closing down, and well, being the victim.
I know deep in my soul, I've been created for good and to do good and be good. I have been created to make a difference in someone's life and to change lives. I feel that in my soul. I have been created to be a mom, to be a hard worker, to live my life and be at peace with myself. But I cannot be at peace with myself if I am always the victim and using words that are the opposite of all the good I was meant to do. I'm not open to the possibility to ANYTHING because I believe that I'm not destined for that so of course it's not going to happen. I have to believe it, in my soul…the possibility that ANYTHING can happen and that I can do WHATEVER I want and be whoever I want. I've already been doing that…..except in the negative way. I want to be the person someone can say- "Yeah, she went through some crap but look how much stronger she's come out of it and what a beautiful person she is." I don't let those things happen because I pre judge and believe that the past is going to keep repeating itself so I sabotage any chance I get at doing different or being different.
I'm writing this to myself so when the habit starts again, I can catch it before it overcomes me. I'm writing this to remind anyone and everyone to love on yourself a little more and to remind you that you are not defined by your past or decisions you've made. God did not send His Son to this earth to die so we continue to hate on ourselves up and not live to our greatest potential. You have the ability to change how you see yourself, to not do the same that has been done before, to show yourself you are capable of making a change, to show yourself more love.
"be present in all things and thankful for all things." maya angelou, my favorite quote. the more present I am and thankful I am the more chance I have at doing things differently. God gave us this life for a reason and I am not going to let the past put me in a box anymore. I deserve as much happiness as I want for my loved ones. And happiness starts with one person, me and those positive, loving, and hopeful words I choose to use.
all my love,