be where your feet are. be present. be in the moment. being in the moment can help guide you to what you were created for (thank you esther for that insight). to be.
most of my life has been me living for either the past or the future. i would focus on the wonderful memories from the past and not want to let them go OR i would be living for upcoming adventures. both are good things to do but it shouldn’t be so that the present is completely ignored. in the last year, i really recall only looking to future trips and things i know that would make me happy. and when those future things happened, i wasn’t enjoying them, i was worried about how i would feel when it was over. what a terrible way to live!
my ‘tude change started with trips. i tried to put my phone down and be present in the moments of the things i was looking forward to and try and not let myself worry so much about how i would feel when it was over and not hurry it away. it really started to work. my memories became more vivid and i felt like i was getting more out of my experiences. i started that probably over a year ago.
then came the hard part…being in the moment and being present in my every day life at home. that’s where i was the worst with that, wishing it away faster so i could get on to the next thing I was looking forward to. there is nothing wrong with having something to look forward to. but when i was spending my time wishing away the current, i miss out on so much. and it really is the simple things that mean the most. i always struggled more at home because i had to sit with myself and be with myself with everything good and bad i am. i wasn’t able to escape it as easily because i wasn’t distracted with fun and exciting things. i still feel i struggle with this on occasion but i know it has improved greatly. normally i am the one who is traveling monthly or sometimes a couple times a month so that is always what i look forward to but from the middle of February through the middle of April, i didn’t go anywhere. i was “stuck” here. and it sucked at times but i realized i became content being here and doing things at home and being able to sit with myself–my struggles and be ok with them. accepting them for what they were and knowing it would pass; it wouldn’t last forever. i didn’t feel as “stuck” as i always had in the past. i was able to have adventures in my own back yard and appreciate home for what it was and who was here.
that brings me to my tattoo. the last 5 days, i adventured in LA with my 3 best friends from high school. minus Jason, those 3 really are my closest and best friends. and i think of all 4 of them like family. they know my stuff, i know their stuff, and we love each other anyway. i don’t feel ashamed of my struggles around any of the 4 of them and that’s what makes them my best friends. so i decided before we went to LA that it was time for my tattoo and who better to share that experience with than 3 of the people who mean the most to me in the world. i knew i would be nervous (and i was) and they calmed me down, encouraged me, and supported me thru it. it was an experience i will always remember and cherish close to my heart.
i got the word “be” written by my mom. there is so much around that and it honestly makes me emotional. first of all, it’s my mom. my person. my mom. i love her deeply and sometimes i get really scared when she’s not going to be around and how i will handle what life throws my way. she’s my safe place and she is my mom. so having her writing on me forever is something i’m totally ok with. secondly, it’s the word “be”. to be where my feet are. no matter what, good or bad. to be in the moment, to feel it all; no matter how good or bad it is. be. i have struggled specifically with myself the last 4 years and who i am and who i want to be and what i see as important but learning to not let anything define me except who i am. katie. and even amidst the struggle and heartbreak, i am ok. i am feeling it all and i’m being and i’m ok. as i sit here with tears welling in my eyes, i KNOW how much i’ve been blessed. God has given me SO much and i think i really see that now that i’m being present no matter what. i wouldn’t be who i am without my struggles. as i have said multiple times recently, those are what i believe really define you…who you are in those darker moments…that’s when you know what you’re made of. and i want to be made of strength, resilience, persistence, faith, hope, and a mantra to NEVER GIVE UP on yourself, no matter what.
i came home excited but also feeling renewed. i needed this trip. i needed to be with friends and to be reminded that i’m loved no matter what by people on this planet and even if not everyone agrees with the decisions i make all the time, they still love me. but most importantly, i love me. i love me for all i am. and when i look down at my wrist now, i will remember to be, how blessed i am, and that God never gave up on me so i shouldn’t give up on me either.
what a powerful sentiment. and i’m damn proud of focusing on that and for how far i’ve come.
be no matter what. you’ll be so happy you did.