grace is a concept I struggle with. I got my Monday morning email this morning and it talked about grace & and how to learn to give yourself grace when you fail because it matters how we talk to ourselves, especially when we have messed up. But not only am I terrible at giving myself grace, I’ve been bad about giving grace to others lately.
If I had written this a week ago, the focus of this post would be about how I have a terrible track record with giving myself grace. I am without a doubt my own worst critic, I am harder on myself than I am on anyone else but I also set expectations for people that are pretty near impossible to meet. I have the idea that if I can do things and put in all this effort than so can everyone else. Well everyone else is not me and that is not fair to put those expectations on others. And so I find myself caught in this cycle of not being able to give up those expectations and thus giving others grace.
It’s an ugly thing to constantly have the feeling of being let down and feeling like you care more because you know what you would do but then others don’t do as much so you think others don’t care as much. Thus, I always feel disappointed and no one cares about me. It’s a horrible cycle because not only am I not giving myself grace and beating myself up, I’m projecting the same thing onto others.
And so all this combined, creates negative relationships with others and myself and then I have the feeling of being unworthy and undeserving of grace and love from others because I’m terrible for placing those expectations where they don’t or shouldn’t be.
back to grace. grace is something I’ve been praying about a lot lately…grace for myself when I mess up and fail and giving that same grace to others. I have to accept that others show their love and care in different ways than I do and that doesn’t mean they care more or less than me, it just shows through in a different way. And I MUST learn to be give myself grace and stop beating myself up every time I don’t do something perfectly. This world and my life is full of mistakes and instead of constantly berating myself for those mistakes, I have to learn to let myself accept the grace that God so generously gives me. Accepting that grace is going to be a challenge but it’s something I have to focus on so that no only can I receive it but I can give it others who deserve it as much as I do.
along with the idea of grace, comes the idea of possibility and the possibility that someone else’s positive view of me can be true. and that one person’s view of me, that I’ve made up in my head I will add, does not mean it’s the Bible truth, ESPECIALLY because I made it up. I think for so many years, I had this idea that this friend saw me in such a negative light because of our interactions and now that I *know* it’s different, I still can’t accept it. I expect this mountain to move to prove that it’s different and that can’t happen because it’s never been different, I just have to look at it differently. If this makes sense to you, then great, because as I am typing it out, I still don’t think I understand myself.
I have to trust and believe that people who are in my life love me for all the good and the not so great parts of who I am. And when they tell me I’m something, I MUST believe them. No matter what. Some I believe more than others & I have NO idea why that is. But most importantly, I do matter and I am worthy of all the things I want to do and that even if someone’s opinion of me is negative, it doesn’t matter because I know I am good enough…God says so and if He does, then I shouldn’t argue with that. The not giving myself grace in ANY circumstance has caused this deep rooted issue of me feeling unworthy of anything good to happen to me. I don’t believe I deserve it so I continue to create situations and thoughts that just take me by the hand and lead me down that dark road.
These are ugly feelings and thoughts to be dealing with on a regular basis. It’s overwhelming knowing that I have the idea I don’t deserve grace or love from anyone but today, when the idea of possibility sunk in, it made me see things a little differently. I have the possibility to do whatever I want and be whoever I want and even when I continue to mess up and make mistakes, God will be there to remind me to give myself grace and that it’s ok and that I’m still good enough. This idea of perfection has got to go because it’s not reality, no matter how many times I tell myself otherwise. And when I finally live that out, then I will be able to give grace more freely to others.
Life isn’t easy and I’m not making it any easier by having this thought process and I’m ready to make the leap of faith. I have a feeling I’m going to like the outcome….
all my love…