It’s amazing the power of thoughts. Your thoughts could be the biggest lie out there but if you tell yourself it over and over again, it will become the truth and nothing can be done to turn that around. That’s the problem I’m facing right now. I keep telling myself lies over and over again….and they’re mostly about myself.
Yesterday was one of those days where I just kept beating myself up and was giving myself zero grace. I felt like a failure at everything….my job, my friendships, my hobby, and then I felt like I was failing myself because I kept telling myself I was failing. Does that even make sense? No, probably not. But I was talking so much self doubt & worthlessness into my head that it was impacting everything happening around me. It was ugly and not fair to myself.
You see, I hold myself to this extremely high standard. For most of my life, I didn’t take risks or chances or make terrible decisions because I was afraid of the disappointment that would follow. I had a lot of examples of how NOT to be and I refused to make decisions that would put me in that category. I was so afraid of making those types of decisions that I didn’t live my life and do what I wanted….I was living for someone else or someone elses entirely. Then one day I decided to live my life for me and so I made a decision for me. It was a selfish decision on many levels but for the first time in my life, it was a decision that I was happy about and was for me. But because of taking that chance and making one of those decisions that would lump me in the category I forever wanted to avoid, I find myself long after, still beating myself up. Months and months later, and I’m still beating myself up. I’m telling myself how terrible I am and that God is punishing me for making that choice and that I’m getting what I deserved all along. And those terrible, awful thoughts just keep getting stronger and they’ve become the truth. And because of that, I have less self-worth and self-esteem than I did before (which I didn’t think was possible). I hate that the lies and that severe negativity has overcome my brain and that I genuinely think all those terrible things about myself. I am not allowing myself to be happy and be content and be confident and say, “yeah, I struggled through some of that but I came out on the other side stronger, happier, and a better person”. I feel like I’m never going to get to that place that I’m never going to be able to make it out of the tunnel….that all hope is lost.
I’ve been trying my hardest to embrace the journey and give my mind a break and give myself some grace but giving myself grace is something I’ve always struggled with. I owe myself to feel that grace and to feel good about the decision I made and don’t wish ill and bad things upon myself for making those decisions. Because I feel like every time I turn around, the bad things I feel about myself regarding this choice, are haunting me and that I’ll never be happy. And that is not a way to live, at all.
I’m posting this because I want to hold myself accountable to give myself the grace and happiness I deserve. Life will be ok and God is not punishing me…He’s teaching me lessons and skills that I will take with me for the rest of my life. I want to be happy and living my life the way I deserve to and not how the lies in my head tell me. God has blessed me with so much and instead of beating myself up about it, I will embrace, accept it, and keep going.