it’s been a while….5 months actually. and you know, it’s been pretty nice not feeling like I need to draft about 12,000 of these a day to keep in ‘drafts’ to reference when I’m feeling down and out. I feel good. I’m in a good place. FINALLY. I suppose I really have been since one December day.
I’ve learned a lot since my tenure of writing all the things I was feeling those months ago. I’ve learned that it’s hard to lose people. I HATE it. Hate it more than anything. Whether it’s by my choice or the other person’s. I just hate it. And when I don’t have closure or know what to do to move forward, I sit on it. And I stew and think and think and think about what I did, what I should have done, and mostly, how to move on. while I’ve gained a lot of life experience, I’ve lost too much in the process.
I lost one of my very best friends….sometimes it’s almost like she actually died because that’s how I feel and that’s how I’ve had to grieve her. We haven’t talked since a day or so after my last post and she won’t return my texts emails or calls. And since I have no closure about what happened between us, I’ve treated it like a death that needs mourning. It’s heartbreaking. But, I’ve finally gotten myself to a place where I’m at peace with it. I know I’ll never have closure and so I have accepted it, mourned it, and continue on living my life. And that’s been probably the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn in life. People will leave, they will disappoint, and you will be hurt by those you think will never ever do that to you. But that can’t stop you from living your life, being who you are and not apologizing for it.
I’ve also come to a place of peace with whatever my life holds. It’s not going to go as I plan it and I’m finally getting to a place of peace about that too. God laughs at plans, so they say, and I’m expecting nothing less with my “plans”. I finally have the faith and reassurance that He has a good one for me and I’ll appreciate it even more when it all comes to light. I am just not on the same path as most of my friends or what is considered “normal”. Sometimes it’s hard to be OK with and clearly has taken me a long time to get to that place, but I have. And I’m ready for it. I’m ready for whatever He gives to me.
life is a funny thing….and instead of dreading it and waiting for the next bad thing to happen, or the next person to leave, I’m just going to be content and be myself. And while that will disappoint people at times and I’ll fall short, I’m not going to change who I am to make someone else happy.
2015 is going to be a good year for me…it already has been, and I’m going to make damn sure it stays that way. And the first step is staying true to myself.