heavy heart

My heart is heavy today. Extra heavy. It feels like it’s weighing me down 10 fold what I’ve been feeling recently.

I just don’t think I can handle or accept any more “bad news”. I don’t think my heart can handle it. I’m tearing up writing this right now. I am just so incredibly sad. Too much wrong and evil in this world is making me lose my faith in the good. The good in others, the good in me, the good of the hope that I normally hold onto so tightly. I just don’t understand why and how all these terrible things keep happening and are hitting so beyond close to home for me. Thankfully, no one in my immediate family has been impacted but that doesn’t mean they won’t or that those that are hurting aren’t close to me that it makes me so sad. Sad is such a generic word to me but that is the only way I know how to describe how I feel. SO SAD. And it’s not going away. Every time I think things might be looking up, I learn of something else happening.  Someone new having cancer, someone else dying who I know, I’m tired of my own head and my own heart being sad. I’m just tired of carrying all this around.

I have to say, it’s also made me more angry at God which is just stupid for me to even admit. But it has. I’m angry that God is going to allow this to happen to a good and faithful person who has life yet to live. I want to punch his chest (if He has one) and just say “why why why??” But as I think more about it, I realize I have no reason to be angry with God. I need to cling to, rely on Him, talk to Him, tell Him what’s going on in my head (even though I know He already knows). It’s okay to be frustrated and upset…these are hard things to process and deal with. But I know He’d be telling me, “I know. I know you’re upset and scared and hate not knowing what’s going to happen. But just trust Me. Trust in Me. I’ll help you and everyone get through this just as I have carried you through before. Just hold tight and trust in me.” It’s so much easier said then done, but I’m out of ideas and I just need to give it all to Him. I need to stop being frustrated with God, thinking I can deal with it on my own, and just let Him have it all.

Yes, evils are all around us. Finding us when we least expect it. It’s happening around me way more then I’m used to and that combined with my own personal heartache is not helping me AT ALL. I’m scared. I’m scared of who’s going to be next, what it’s going to be, who’s going to be hurt, will I be able to handle it? All these ‘what ifs’ aren’t healthy and I need to release those too. I have to let it go, give it up. I lose. My heart can’t handle anymore. My brain can’t process any more alone.

God, please…take it all; every single last bit of it, take it away. I can’t deal with it anymore. I haven’t been as faithful and reliant on you as I should have been. I haven’t been sitting and listening like I needed to. Please just help me be at peace with all the possibilities and to be there for those who need me. I’m giving it up and starting again with a lighter heart. Thank you for guiding me, God, and I know I can trust in You no matter what and despite everything that is going on. Thank you for loving me.

Life is not easy. There is no manual on how to deal with the tough stuff. It’s also not fair. It’s never going to be fair. It’s never going to go how I want it to or plan it to be. But, with this renewed spirit of relying on God, I know I will be better equipped to handle things. My heart was too heavy for my own good but now I’m free and on my way to being a rock for those who need it.

Keep fighting and keep going…we’re stronger then we know and knowing I have Him in my corner, is going to make all the difference.