hold on.

“I know this pain. Why do lock yourself up in these chains? No one can change your life except for you. Don’t ever let anyone step all over you. Just open your heart and your mind. Is it really fair to feel this way inside?”

1980s. Wilson Phillips. Speaking so many truths to me that I just keep playing it over and over again. I need to let it sink deep into my soul until I believe what they’re saying with my whole self. Just like I have believed before with my whole being.

Life can rain on you sometimes, and I’ve experienced quite the few storms lately. I’m not sure the reasons for them but I’m holding on and hoping that by the time I’ve weathered them, I’ll come through it stronger. I’ve had a lot of disappointments that I keep talking, singing, crying, and running my way through. Yet I still can’t let go. I need to let go. It’ll be healthier for me in the long run. Which is why I keep going back to “Hold On” because the words are telling me to hold on and that things will go my way if I just have a little hope. Most of this all is my doing which I have accepted and made peace with. I don’t regret it but I need to experience what I feel like I have to and then put the brakes on, hard. I’m over this feeling that I am putting my happiness into the hands of someone else. It’s up to me…after all, it is MY life. I ask God for help to release all of it and I think He is listening to me, and showing me to the right time and to mostly tell me to hold on. Just a little longer and then you can push this out of your life for good. I’m much more ready to face it then I was even 2 weeks ago. It’s never easy to say goodbye to something that meant a lot to you, but it’s something that must be done. There are bigger and better things out there for me and I refuse to keep being held back by someone that doesn’t deserve all my attention.

I’ve let life rain on me too long and I’m not going to give it that power anymore. I’m ready and excited for what’s to come for ME. I know different challenges lie ahead but I’m ready. Listening to God and reminding myself to hold on just a little longer.

out of control

WOAH. So many feelings. I always so many feelings but I feel overwhelmed by all the mixed and extreme emotions I’m feeling right at this moment. 

My head and my heart are very torn and are arguing with each other, pretty much all the time, and so it’s making things very loud inside. I like when things are quiet and I’m at peace and everything is going mostly smoothly. Sometimes I wish I could rewind to last October/November when I was focusing on myself and improving in areas that I could control and fix. Now I’m in the middle of this situation that I have readily volunteered for, threw my hand up and “pick me” kind of volunteer, and it’s turned into a train I boarded that is now full of ever changing feelings and emotions…and I CAN’T GET OFF. I cannot find it within myself to pull myself off FOR myself. I’m worried about what getting off will do to me. I think I will be totally lost and disoriented and will have no direction for where to go from whatever exit I can jump off. I shouldn’t care where I land, I should take the risk like I did when I got on board this train. I hate the ups and downs that I continuously finding myself feeling….and it’s changing nearly every day. One day I’m great and so happy and content and the next I’m miserable and questioning everything. And the worst is that I know it and I see it and yet I can’t bring myself to get off. I have enjoyed the ride…even in its worst moments…and I’m not ready to fully get off. It’s a scary world out there and even though the emotions are very strong inside the train, I know and am figuring out how to handle them….sort of…..

Everything is a big question. I don’t know where the train is going to end up. Everything is uncertain. And I HATE uncertainty. I know that life is full of it but I hate it. I’ll be honest, I am a huge control freak. And when I put my life and happiness into the hands of someone else, in this case, the train, I don’t know what to do with that. And unfortunately, I have put these 2 extremely important things into the hands of someone who doesn’t have direction in his own life so that just leaves both of us on this super fast train heading to an unknown destination. It’s freaking terrifying. And I shouldn’t have given these things over so easily but now it’s too late. Which is why I need to be strong enough to face what is out there instead of staying on this train. UGH. Even my metaphors aren’t making sense to me because this whole thing is such craziness. No answers. No direction. Just going down this super dangerous path to nowhere good, fast.

I know what I need to do but I still haven’t convinced my whole self it’s what I want to do. It’s hard to accept because if I get off, I will never be able to get back on, ever. And again, I have enjoyed the ride even in the worst moments, so giving it up for good and forever, is really hard to swallow. It’s hard for people to cut things cold turkey….smoking, drinking, eating (if it’s an addiction), and whatever habits inhibit people, and this is the same kind of thing. Cutting myself off cold turkey is only to create more emotions that will be challenging to handle. I’ve experienced it a little already and it was really really horrible. 

I’m on board this fast, lost, train where I have no control except to jump off and that is rather an extreme position to be in. Logically, the decision is made. The heart though…that’s a totally different story. 

A letter to myself: Stay tuned, learn what you need to and think you need to and then GET OFF. Get off before it’s too late and you crash and burn and are beyond saving. Please.