It sort of feels like all my posts are about the same thing…ok not feels, they ARE. Whoops.
I know not many people read my blog and that is fine with me, I’m not trying to become the most popular blogger online. I blog to get my feelings out and to work through issues and by the time the post is over, I’m over whatever it was I needed to share.
Since I began this blog, over 3 years ago- I had gone through something that seemed really traumatizing and life changing (now I realize that, that really wasn’t the case but that happens often, I am sure) so I was trying to use the blog to write of my experiences, thoughts, and feelings to learn to become more patient, understanding, and most of all positive. I honestly can say I have grown since I first started blogging, but I am not sure if I have succeeded in my original goal. But as always, life is a journey and I can’t expect to move mountains in 3 years.
One thing that has occurred to me though recently is my outlook on my life. As I’ve stated countless times, I am not where I thought I would be in my life at this moment. Things didn’t go according to “my plan”- BIG SHOCKER there. For those that know me, I’m a HUGE planner, goal setter, achiever. Without a plan, I am lost. When my plan changes, I am lost. So needless to say, I was feeling really lost after post graduation plans had a different path for me. At the immediate moment I didn’t know this; but now looking back, I felt myself trying to “rush” my time in Charlotte so that I could move on to the next- bigger, better thing where I would and could truly “be happy”: where I would control my happiness and my life because things would be going according to my plan! Right?! HA. I wish.
During all this change that happened over the last few months, I somehow came to this conclusion that I couldn’t happy with my life because I was rushing it along. Life is short enough and I don’t need to spend the next however many number of years speeding it along without any enjoyment. I was simply going through the motions. And I thought to myself, “Well, you chose to move to Charlotte–no one forced you and because things didn’t go your way you are surviving by not being engaged or stepping out of your box. And you feel stuck and unhappy but you are doing it so that is what matters.” Would I rather just do it and not care and be miserable? Or do I want to make the best of it and LIVE my life and try and BE happy because it’s ultimately UP to me. The place and people kind of matter but I matter most. I am in Charlotte because I needed to grow up. Yes, I thought I was ‘grown up’ in college and thought I could take on the world. What a lie! I was no where near grown up–I still had all those immature tendencies I had at home, I just had different people to rely on there. Here, I am relying on myself…and Jason…but that only goes so far. I decided that no matter how long I am here for or where I go next- I plan on living my life and doing things I want to do to help make me happy. And I am learning that being alone is okay and that it is good for me because moments like the one I’m writing about right now happen! God has a plan, I know it and I know this stage in my life is just that- a stage. The time will come and it will direct me somewhere new, but by the time that happens, I hope to have learned a WHOLE bunch more than this small revelation.
So to answer the title- yes things are getting better. Normally I don’t express the changes I am actually making, but here it is. It’s a step in the right direction and that is all I can hope to achieve.
For now…in a more positive and peaceful place…