time

I wanted to blog this morning but my internet was being super finicky so I wasn’t able to. And I’m really glad I didn’t because I would have written a totally different kind of post then the one I’m going to write now.

Let’s just say I was in a funk yesterday and this morning. I was feeling sorry for myself and scared of moving forward because of what I could potentially lose in the process that I just felt stuck in missing my college friends and pining for the “good ol days” when we were in college and all super close. In reality I knew it was never going to be like that ever again but if it was like that, then nothing would change. I hate change. Hate it more than anything else and so I try and resist it every opportunity I can.

I felt that because I was stuck and that everyone else was moving on that I would be totally alone. It’s hard enough for me to make friends because I never really had to until I went to college. While I got to know people better in high school, I still knew them and they weren’t totally new. College brought on this whole new world for me in which I was not as comfortable as I thought I would be. I really didn’t know how to make friends and I was much more of a recluse than I realized and so I struggled to make new friends when I went to college. It brought me to this place that I had never experienced before and it is a place I never ever wish to venture to again. So now, in the present, I felt that I was going to end up back in that place–feeling like I was totally alone and that I would never make new friends again. It’s a different yet similar situation because I’m not in a place where everyone is in the same place, if that makes sense? Now I work and everyone I work with kind of already have their lives established and so it’s harder to break that and get into a group.

But it was brought to my attention today by a dear friend that while it makes sense to be fearful of going back to that dark place from freshman year, the journey I’ve made in the last 4 years has made it impossible to go back there because I am such a different person now. I’m not as insecure about myself like I was then and the experiences I’ve had and friends I’ve made along the way won’t allow me to go back.  It really was an eye-opening conclusion because I have said that to many other people before but time has changed me and has made me stronger. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders when I finally “got it” so to speak.

While my friendships with my friends in college will change and grow, like those in high school did, they will always remain as long as they stay important and a priority to me. I need to stop living in the past and worrying about how things will change and just go with the flow with what life brings me. Some friendships may come and go as life changes but those that are meant to last will.

Obviously by the last few blogs, the topic have been my friends, but that is only because each of them (no matter where you are) mean literally the world to me. I am just a “friends” kind of person and always will be. I value and put so much effort into them that that is why I hate when they do change or end, so to speak. I love my family but I didn’t choose them, I’ve chosen my friends and they have given me so much and have taught me so much about overcoming obstacles and have helped me to grow into the person I am right now.

I know I will make more true friends in the future and they will also teach me things I don’t know now but those from my past will always hold a very special place in my heart. Time does so much good and I’m finally going to be okay with moving forward.

Thanks to all who read this. And to those friends who have read: I love you guys so so so much and hope you know I am always here for you just like you have been here for me.

Happy Saturday to all!

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