hopefully this will last.

WELL. we are on to day 2 and it’s getting a bit easier.  The only downside is that I can’t put up any of my new pictures of Big/Little Reveal last night.  Oh well, they probably won’t be missed much anyways.

I’ve realized that part of my stress is coming from this one project I have due at the end of the semester.  While we have been working on it throughout the past month and a half, I feel as though we’re really not accomplishing anything.  2 of the group members just do what they are told to do and that’s it–they do not go the extra step, which is okay because they are boys.  HOWEVER. One of the other group members is about to send me over the edge.  She thinks she is leading when in fact, she is not–she does useless research, does not synthesize anything she does find, but then feels the need to talk over everyone when we meet to present to our professor.  I have a few issues with that and in order to get out my continued frustrations, I will share.

1.  I do not enjoy being talked over when I’m trying to explain my findings.

2.  I also do not enjoy a “know it all” when in fact they are not.

3. I do not appreciate being talked to and treated as if I do nothing when in fact, that member is the one who does nothing.

These are just a few of the many problems I have with this member; not to mention she doesn’t like me so when we do other activities, she just sits there and forces me to do all the work.  Needless to say, I’m fed up.  So on Monday, I spoke with my professor about the situation because I do not want our grade affected because she is trying to take over without doing any of the work behind it.  He understood my points and offered some guidance.  Unfortunately things haven’t improved and I feel like myself and another group member are going to be doing the majority of the work.  Que sara’ sara’ I suppose.

On another note, my week is slowly improving.  I just wish I understood why it was so horrendous but I don’t so I suppose I just have to say, again, oh well!  Some things are just out of my control and I just have to keep going and the days will start to get better.  I just feel exponentially stressed out and feel that nothing is going my way, when in fact that is very untrue.  Things have been going my way; I just feel somewhat lost I suppose in what’s important to me and where my priorities are.  I’m blogging now because I’m at work with nothing to do and this is normally when I get on Facebook and look around and waste time–but since that is gone, I have to find something else to do to occupy my time.  Not easily done. THAT is for sure. 

I feel so BLAHHH and I just want it to go away.  I’m telling you, I need to be recentered at HOME. Not here, not South Carolina, HOME.  In less than 4 weeks this will happen and I’m SO excited.  Perhaps another reason I’m “blahh” is because I feel like my friend situation is off a bit–I don’t feel on track with any of my close friends; whether they be here, home, or far away.  It’s just been an interesting year with that and I’m sure it’s mainly just me over anaylzing but, hey, you never know.  Friendships change and evolve, I am aware but that does not mean I don’t like it or wish it to go back.  But I can’t and I just have to understand and realize that. 

I think this blogging to work through this funk will help me become more patient, positive, and understanding–not only about myself but also of my friends and family.  I know that the way I portray myself sometimes on the outside is not how I’m feeling on the inside and so I need to be more aware of that.  Ah the  many life lessons to be learned when not on Facebook and working out issues through the word.

Well many more of these to come, I’m sure…

facebook detox: day 1

This is going to be interesting.  That’s all I’ve got to say.

It has only been about 15 hours since I deactivated my Facebook and I’ve wanted to go look at it about……1000 times.  In order to make sure I would not go on my page, I deleted it from my iPhone & every tab on my internet browser.  Today even when I got on Safari, I went right to where the Facebook tab is and almost clicked it.  I think that is a clear indication of how addicted I am to that wonderful social media sight.

I’m not really sure what came over me last night when I decided to deactivate it; but I thought it would maybe help me with my re-centering.  I think part of me wondered how many people noticed I was gone, but more importantly I wanted to see how much I actually rely and use Facebook. Well, being the first day, I literally feel as though I’m going through a cleansing and detox.  I hope I can last a week and then after that week, I’m going to try to two weeks and then three and then a month.  I’m trying to see if I can manage without Facebook so I can be more focused on school and friends. I just feel lost and Facebook makes me waste time where I could otherwise be productive doing homework.  So with that being said, I’m going to blog more about my thoughts and how this ‘detox’ is going.  I hope I can make it through the day–if I keep busy I’ll be okay.  See how sad that is?! I say if I keep busy, I’ll be okay–like someone died or something.  Our lives have become so reliant on social media and the internet and I want to see if I can still enjoy life without it.  I realized I’ve had Facebook since I was 15 years old–since 2005–so that is 5 years and I have been addicted to it since.  Needless to say, Facebook & I need a break.

So follow me on here or twitter if you wish…that is where my updates will be.

Goodbye social media, hello focus.

the journey is what matters

For some reason this week, nothing seems to be going right.  I’m getting upset really easily and everything I do is without focus or meaning.  I feel myself getting back into my freshman year depression and it’s terrible because I do NOT want to feel like this.  I don’t understand why it’s like this and all I want it to do is go away so I can be happy and loving life again.

Yesterday was terrible, I got all upset over nothing and then overreacted and blew things way out of proportion.  I lost my mind almost and I hate it and I do not enjoy it at all.  Becoming like that solves nothing and it only makes things worse.  I know that no sense can be talked in to me and all I want to do is be by myself and have a pity party.  This isn’t supposed to be a post where people comment to tell me how wonderful I am and stuff; I just want to write my feelings out in hopes I’ll be able to figure out the cause for this new & terrible attitude.

While in the middle of my freak out, I realized that I feel really off kilter and that I need to recenter myself.  I realize I need to go home.  That is where my recentering will happen; my roots and the people who make me who I am will be able to help me figure out the problems and will lead me back to who I am today.  I understand I can’t go home yet and I’m okay with that for now but I know that I need to get myself somewhat centered to make it through the next 4 weeks.  So today I was really quiet and tried to internalize myself so I could fix whatever my problem was.  I felt like such a terrible roommate because I was upset over nothing and in turn led me to be less supportive of my friend who needs my love and support.

Today was a time of reflection and tomorrow is a new day; a day of change and the old/new Katie will be back.  I think it’s normal to feel like this when going through the daily burdens of life with school and the multitude of activities we are all apart of.  And maybe something so stupid will help us to recenter and guide us back to who we are.  After all, in the end, the journey is all that matters.

Good night and sweet dreams…